Hello to whomever is reading, I’d like to start by thanking you for taking the time to check this piece out. I would also like to say that I am a person who is constantly learning, especially from those around me. I encourage conversation and feedback, always.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about a contradiction I constantly face in my life: Making sure that your friends are okay, but also, it’s not your responsibility to take care of everyone. Opposite ends of the pole, right? In all honesty, I am a person who has difficulties setting boundaries. I have gotten a hundred times better at saying “no” since my yoga teacher and life coach training, but I still struggle with boundaries. A lot of this struggle comes from a lack of direct communication on my end with someone, a friend perhaps, when something crosses the line of comfortability. I do not like to hurt feelings or be seen as the “bad guy,” so oftentimes I let my boundaries be walked over.
This is only through fault of my own. I am responsible for setting my boundaries and knowing that I set them to protect my wellbeing, as well as the wellbeing of the relationship. It’s the hardest to communicate with the people we care about most. If you’re anything like me, you make up stories in your head about what other people will think of you if you set a boundary, or tell it how it is. They will think I’m being mean. They will think I’m not as reliable. They will think…. So we respond to illusions and projections that aren’t true, because we have created them in our minds.
Let me ask you this, whose opinion matters most? Yours. Your opinion of yourself is more important than what anyone else may—or may not—think of you.
So, back to the contradiction at hand. I see a lot of posts about “being a good friend” versus “not being a good friend” and I’m like, damn…I gotta be checking on my homies and their emotional/mental state 24/7 otherwise I’m not a “good friend”? And then I remember, I am not a trained professional. I am not responsible for fixing or making things better for my friends because I am not equipped to. Sometimes the best thing you can do is help your friends find the right resources. It is a-okay to listen and be there, but please remember, it is not your duty to fix your friends’ problems. This is something I am still working on myself because I constantly feel like if I don’t go above-and-beyond my limits, then I am letting people down. (Which I know for a fact is not true, but it takes time to break bad thinking habits.)
The most genuine thing you can do in a friendship is to know your limits, set your boundaries, and be truthful about what you can and cannot help with. Be honest about how you’re feeling when things reach the maximum capacity. A true friendship will outlast you saying exactly what you think and be stronger in the future because of it.
Here are some of the best things I’ve heard about setting boundaries:
- Be direct. Do you think that your friends can’t handle you saying “no”? They only react negatively when you set it up that way. If you start apologizing when there is nothing to apologize for, you have now planted in their head that there is something for you to be sorry for. (Taken from my amazing yoga trainer Megan Robertson)
- Setting boundaries is a healthy way of maintaining a relationship. It is better for everyone in the relationship if you do set boundaries. It is a way of respecting both yourself and the other person.
- It is not your job to take care of everyone. I don’t know how this will apply to you in your life, but it is not your job to fix everyone.
- Direct your friends to the right resources if they need help. Remind them that you are not a therapist. It’s okay to say, “I don’t have the resources to help you, but doing x might.”
- Take care of yourself first. You are the priority in your life, and you can’t be the best version of yourself in other peoples’ lives if you aren’t the best version of you in your own life.
So yeah, I guess this will wrap it up. Like I said, I am working on training my brain to think this way too. Remember that everyone is trying their best with where they are at and what they have. Be kind to yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to say no, and leave the guilt behind. It does not serve anyone.
Off of the Deep End 