A Letter I Will Never Send

Dear Friend,
This is a letter that I hope you’ll never read, a letter I’ll never send. Not because I don’t want you to read it, but because I’m just not brave enough to say it all.

We started out as nothing. Then that nothingness grew into somethingness. Although there was uncertainty in our something, it was the most addictive something that I’ve ever tatsed. Every word that drew from your mouth was a shock straight to my heart.

Electricity is dangerous they say, but we never really followed the rules now, did we? I knew that running barefoot in a thunderstorm was asking for trouble but the cold drops on my face gave me a satisfaction that not even the lightening could scare away. There was no warning for the storm you’d bring, but I’ve always had a passion for inclinate weather.

You have given me more than enough happiness to last a lifetime. Every memory I have of you includes some form of laughter and some form of joy. In the smallest things you do. The way you glance up at me to only grasp my eyes for a second, or the way we burst out in laughter at the stupid things we do, or the even in the middle of a conversation and you just open up a little bit more than you meant to like the sun poking through he clouds on a foggy day. Those are the things that bring me happiness and the things that no one will understand.

Like all extraordinary things, they come with the good and the bad. I couldn’t have possibly forseen that you would also have caused my heart some of the greatest aching it has ever experienced in its seventeen years of pumping blood nonstop through my body. The hard thing about pain is that it is a feeling too. Our hearts felt the hangovers after each late night spent contemplating our desires, and though the alcohol didn’t numb the confusion, the time spent together did. You showed me what it was like to be alive, to be myself and to not be judged, to do things with someone who makes you happy even if it is driving to no specific location just so you can talk a while longer. No one ever told the sand that sometimes it hurts when the waves crash in to the shore for a kiss, but it is a kiss that can never be refused.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how you aren’t always going to be around and how I feel like you’re slipping away, quite frankly it scares me more than I had hoped. I know that no matter what happens in life you will always have a part of me because it’s lost somewhere deep inside of you. I won’t ever get it back, but honey I don’t want it back. I can’t imagine it now, saying goodbye and all, mostly because when we say goodbye we know it’s because we will soon say hello maybe in less than one rotation of the earth. I can’t imagine hugging you and knowing that I won’t feel your arms wrapping me in that safe place for an unknown amount of time. I know that goodbye won’t mean forever, but God only knows how long I’ll be able to last.

I don’t know if you feel the same way and sometimes I drive myself to madness and insanity considering the possible feelings you might have, and I want to ask, but then again curiosity killed the cat and if I counted correctly I only have about two lives left.

There are so many more things I could say but it’s 3:18 AM and my fingers are slowly falling into unconciousness. So if you’re reading, and I hope you’re not, just know I’m only always a phone call away and my ears are always open for listening. In our own little weird way, you know how much I love you.

Love,
Your best friend.

I Want to Be

I want to

Be the sun you expect every morning to shine a little light on your day

Be the water that your roots depend on to keep you alive

Be the air that fills your lungs and the blood that runs through your veins

Be the spring that the grass anxiously awaits to be woken by after winter

Be the music that sings you to sleep every night

Be the pillow that catches every single one of your tears when your world falls apart

Be the stars that fill your night so it isn’t always dark

Be the creamer in your coffee so your Sunday mornings aren’t so bitter

Be the smile that you so impaciently wait to see every night

Be the Friday that gets you through every Monday-Thursday

Be the snooze button on your alarm clock that takes away the annoyances in your life

Be the thought that you can’t get out of your head and the one that eventually consumes your dreams

Be the road that you can’t see the other side of, but you know will be an adventure to drive on

Be the eyes that hold the galaxies that you look into and get lost

Be the call you don’t expect to turn into a four hour conversation about the junk drawer of your mind

Be the laces on your shoes and the buttons on your shirt

Be the glasses that sit on the bridge of your nose, you know you hate them but you can’t live without them as much as that pains you to know

Above all of these things that I want to be, sweetheart, I want to be yours.

Learning a Soul

There are some people in this beautifully dysfunctional world that you just connect with. You can’t explain how or why it happens, it just does. It’s not even justifiable, it happens quicker than lightening strikes the earth during a spring thunderstorm. You talk one night and then BAM, it’s like you’re so caught up in the thrill of learning every inch of them and you just block out everything else for a while.

It’s fascinating how you can be so intoxicated by the mind of someone. All of the sudden you want to get drunk off of their words and pass around thoughts rather than blunts, become high off of ideas and sip at the bottle of mental diversity. Every phrase they speak to you is a piece of knowledge that can’t be found in any textbook, no matter how many different versions you looked in. Unlocking them is like following the trail of cereal in anticipation of discovering the box it came from. Then you know, and that’s your new favorite cereal and of course it’s all you want for breakfast for the next few months; you love it, you love them.

Sometimes you don’t even need a reason to love someone, you just do. And when that happens, when you don’t need reasons to love someone, it’s because you have fallen in love with their soul, the epitome of their being. You love them as a whole person including their flaws and insecurities and you turn those things that people usually want to hide into lights that no darkness could ever conceal.

Sometimes I wish I could forget that person. Not because they have done anything to hurt me, but because there was just so much adventure in learning about them. I had the most thrilling yet mysterious feelings, I loved the excitement from discovering this amazing person I am so blessed to call my friend and they never gave me the same thing twice, it was always something new. I wish I could just erase them from my mind so I could have that feeling again, the mental adrenaline of learning a soul. But, that means I would lose everything that we already have, and no two things ever happen the same way twice.

I guess people are always growing and changing, though, so we really never do stop learning about people. If that feeling of mental adrenaline returns and we are always discovering new things about ourselves and each other, then the electricity never dies. And it’s always the little things. It’s the little things that only I know, those are the things that make you mine. Those are the things that mean the most.

Those are the the live wire, high voltage friendships that make life worthwhile. Those are the friendships that still give you that shock of excitement every time you see them because just being around them sparks that desire to swim into the waters so deep that your eyes can’t see the bottom, to go where you’ve never been, and to make emotional and mental connections with the mind of someone you truly understand and who understands you too.

Instead of touching skin, touch souls. Instead of shutting down, open up.
You’ll be amazed at the connections you make.

Dear Old Me, Please Come Back.

Dear Delany,
In the prime of this seventeen and a half year life you have lived so far, you were innocent. You loved everything and everyone. You couldn’t quite wrap your naive mind around how you did, but you just did. You knew that love was the only thing that was universal and maybe the only thing that could last.

You were the band-aid that covered the scraped knee of a friend, the chocolate that filled the cracks of a broken heart, and the ears and arms to listen and hold the issues and feelings of anyone who needed to have someone actually listen to them for once. You were the long-legged girl that so desperately wanted to break the triple digits when you stepped onto the scale after every shower that you had taken. You were the solid stone that knew your morals and your range of comfortability. And you were the bright eyed spirit who longed for nothing more than freedom.

When you start to get older you are exposed to the harsh truth of life. You see things that normally you had been sheltered from, you hear things that you only wish you had misunderstood, and you experience pain that you wish was just a nightmare, hoping to wake from it at any moment, but you never do. Your world will be rocked and you’ll find it hard to believe some of the things that go on the minute you turn your back.

It’s true when they say that everyone’s a critic, but it’s also true that you’re the hardest on yourself. It’s true that girls are mean and that boys are stupid. It’s true that you’ll meet you’re lifelong best friend sophomore year and she will remind you of who you are when you’re lost. It’s true that you will fall in love with a boy younger than you and go through hell and back just to be with him. It’s true that junior year will be your hardest due to outside factors that you will not be able to control. It’s true that you will have the best summer yet. It’s true that you will meet another boy who will open your eyes and pull you out further than you’ve ever swam, but you’ve always been good at swimming, so don’t you worry about that. It’s true that you’re perspective on behavior, drugs, alcohol, love, and just life in general will be changed. It’s true that your relationship with the younger boy will end and he will betray your trust and it’s true that you won’t be healed for a long long time. But above all of these truths, it is the most true that you will discover some of the most amazing people through all of these ups and downs.

Honey, I can’t promise that your life will be the perfect life you’ve always dreamed of, but I can promise you it’s going to be one hell of a ride. And that’s what you’ve really always wanted anyway, right? Freedom. So take in all of this and let it hurt you, let it move you, let it open you. You will love the person you have grown to be don’t get me wrong, but while you’re shifting through all of this and coming in and out with the tide, if you come across the innocent you, invite her to sit down and stay a while, because you’ll miss her when she’s gone.

Love,
D

P.S.
So if the old me is out there somewhere, I promise I didn’t forget about you. I love who I am but I just need that little part of me again, please come back.

You Do You

So many people are afraid to be themselves these days, and to be completely honest it breaks my heart. So many people live in fear of rejection and judgement because society is ignorant to diversity. I don’t mean ethnic diversity or cultural diversity, which yes sometimes we do still struggle with those, but I mean psychological diversity. Some people are so narrow minded and find it impossible to take a step back and pit into perspective why someone is the way that they are. Everyone goes through things in life, whether they be big or small, that shape who they are and why they do what they do. But who are we to judge them? We may have had situations similar to them but no matter how similar everyone is still different and with that being said, it is evident that everyone processes things a different way. No one human will ever go through the same thing as another because we all feel and process things differently.

No one should be afraid to do what makes them happy. Unless homicidal behavior makes you happy, then maybe you should go to a doctor. But the point is that this world is filled with amazing people who are going to make amazing impact on your life, but they won’t come out of hiding until we make this world a comfortable and accepting place. We share it don’t we? So why is it that some people don’t feel safe in this place they call home? It’s our job to be the brave ones and do what you want to do or be who you want to be or to make this place the loving and accepting place that we know it could all be. Wake up and smell the roses darling, it’s time to put bad habits to an end.