As I’ve been preparing for this excursion for almost two months, I have had a lot of time to interpret how I feel about leaving home for six weeks. Aside from the obvious excitement from being accepted to the Irish Writing Program, I have had a lot of unrecognizable feelings that I wasn’t sure how to address until now. I have come to the conclusion that I am an introverted person with extroverted characteristics, and while my confidence in my abilities to adapt are strong they are not unwavering.
I have debated back and forth with myself multiple times a day if I am truly capable of leaving the country and home that I have known all of my life, and be able to thrive in an unknown place. My friends and family probably do not know that their presumptions that I will do amazing things in Dublin are actually my reassurances. The idea of being away from my family for six weeks terrifies me, not because I am afraid that I won’t make new friends and connections, but because I have so much love and appreciation for them and I will miss them so much.
My brother’s graduation party was last Saturday, and as if he wasn’t dreading those conversations that consist of the same three small-talk questions (Are you happy to be done? Where do you want to go? What do you plan to do there?) I was feeling the same way.
“Are you happy to be done with your second year?”
Shit, I only have two years left?
“Yes, I’m very happy to be done.”
“So I heard that you’ll be in Ireland this summer, what are you doing there?”
“I got accepted to a writing program through the University of Iowa.”
I can’t believe that I’m actually going.
“Oh, that’ll be so fun!”
“Yes, I’m very excited! I think I really need a break from Iowa.”
I live in Iowa, I go to school in Iowa, I’m from Iowa… yeah, I need to get out of here.
Then the conversation usually dwindles after several more small-talk questions and I am usually left thinking, Can I really do this?
My mind thinks in pictures. Images are the best way for me to recall a memory. I was sitting by my open bedroom window, thinking about how much I will miss the view (which, to most people, would not be considered a “view” at all). I remembered a conversation that my boyfriend and I had one night while looking at this same view.
“I love this,” he said. “This is, like, the perfect image of the midwest when I think of it. The pine trees, the windmill, a single street lamp.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve tried to take a picture of it so many times, but it never turns out the way we see it.”
I thought about how used to this I was, how comfortable I am here. And how comfortable I was with him when we had that conversation. He’s been gone (at an internship in Singapore) for exactly two weeks now. He was brave enough to leave, now it’s my turn to be brave.
I am not scared of being abroad, or this program that I am about to do. It will be a catalyst in my life as a writer and as a traveler, the person who will come back from this experience will not be the same one that is writing to you now. She will be stronger, brighter eyed, wider minded, more humbled.
I am extremely blessed with my support system and the opportunity to study in Dublin. After sifting through the uncertainty and admitting to myself that I am a little nervous, I feel as though I can fully submit myself to this experience and appreciate the way that it will move me. I am going to thrive in Dublin. I am strong enough to do this. I am open to change and accepting of the lessons that it will teach me. I am ready to grow. I am ready to explore. I am ready for Dublin.
Now it’s Dublin’s turn to get ready for me.
Off of the Deep End 